I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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