I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Come on in and take your pants off
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