Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
