I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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