Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
