I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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