is your mom at the bar?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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