im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you will always have a special place in my vag
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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