you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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