So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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