I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
