this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
