When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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