Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if only i could text you this smell
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
