Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
