my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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