There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
