So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
