Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
