i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
