matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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