I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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