If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
