those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
