"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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