My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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