I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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