I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
