I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
