Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
