Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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