She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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