u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
