So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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