I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i came on her dog
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
