If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
