He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
