trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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