$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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