i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
