When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
