I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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