WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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