i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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