Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're breaking my sexual little heart
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
