I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
