My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
