I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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