She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
