Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
