I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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