I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
