Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
