What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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