i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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