hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
